1) I'd get rid of the pledge of allegiance. It's not that I'm not patriotic, but I think its lame to have a bunch of people stand and stare at a flag and simply repeat something they memorized. Reminds me too much of jihadists praying to Mecca with a bomb strapped to them. (God that sounds xenophobic: sorry). Seeing as how I'm agnostic and all, I don't really believe in rote chanting for anything including: patriotism, religion, marriage, yoga, boy scout oaths, campfire songs, commercials...So in its place I would rather have a daily session in which everybody that wanted too stood up and looked at the flag and took turns saying, "I think this country seriously kicks butt because....," and then every person individually would say why. That way we could still show our appreciation for our country, the sacrifices of our forefathers and vets, and yet be creative at the same time.
2) I'd let Texas secede from the union as long as they promised not to have any of their governors run for president ever again.
3) I'd make any person that gave controversial unsolicited opinions without any evidence to back up their claims wear a shirt that said "Uneducated Blowhard". They'd have to wear the shirt for an entire week. For their second offense they would get a tattoo on their bicep that said "uneducated blowhard". For their third offense they'd have to get the tattoo put on their forehead. For their fourth offense they'd have to run for Congress.
4) Jerry Seinfeld would be arrested and put in prison until he and the rest of his crew agreed to start filming another season of Seinfeld. Ditto Jason Bateman and Arrested Development.
5) I'm sick of people saying that we need simple, plain spoken, down to earth politicians. The world is way too complex for hillbilly simpletons to run the country. So as a compromise I would require that every politician had two translators on hand at all times. One person would know sign language for the hearing impaired. The other person would know "simpleton language." For example a politician might say: "The financial crisis was caused by the deregulation of the bond market, predatory lending, rating agencies asleep at the wheel, pressure from the federal government to provide loans for those that couldn't afford them, etc..." His simpleton language interpreter would say: "The financial crisis was caused by a bunch of stupid, greedy pigheads..." Although even that might be a bit too complex.
6) Entertainers at sporting events would be required to sing the Star Spangled Banner in 60 seconds or less. Period. Or we could just have freestyle rappers rap about why our country kicks butt. (See #1).
7) Professional soccer teams would be required to have at least three players on the field at all times that weighed at least 300 pounds. Ties would be decided by an arm wrestling match between the biggest players on each team. As we all know, soccer is the most discriminatory sport on the planet and this would help end the sport's shameless quest to ban any people with a bodyfat level above .000001% from participating in the sport at the professional level.
8) Everybody that says that we should get rid of ALL unions would be put in a time machine and sent back to the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory on March 25th, 1911 right around closing time.
9) People that treat pets like little humans would be sent to "reeducation camps". I love my dog as much as anybody but I don't put a damn sweater vest on him, I don't speak to him like a baby and hand feed him, and I realize that all things being equal his perfect day would involve laying on the couch and licking himself in hygienically inappropriate places for six straight hours. Dogs are great but they aren't little humans. They want their space, they want their tummy scratched, and they want to smell people's crotches. Period.
10) Yoga would be banned and Starbucks would have to start calling Venti Lattes, "Large Overpriced Cups of Pseudo-Coffee for People that Either Drive Priuses or Wished they Drove Them."
2) I'd let Texas secede from the union as long as they promised not to have any of their governors run for president ever again.
3) I'd make any person that gave controversial unsolicited opinions without any evidence to back up their claims wear a shirt that said "Uneducated Blowhard". They'd have to wear the shirt for an entire week. For their second offense they would get a tattoo on their bicep that said "uneducated blowhard". For their third offense they'd have to get the tattoo put on their forehead. For their fourth offense they'd have to run for Congress.
4) Jerry Seinfeld would be arrested and put in prison until he and the rest of his crew agreed to start filming another season of Seinfeld. Ditto Jason Bateman and Arrested Development.
5) I'm sick of people saying that we need simple, plain spoken, down to earth politicians. The world is way too complex for hillbilly simpletons to run the country. So as a compromise I would require that every politician had two translators on hand at all times. One person would know sign language for the hearing impaired. The other person would know "simpleton language." For example a politician might say: "The financial crisis was caused by the deregulation of the bond market, predatory lending, rating agencies asleep at the wheel, pressure from the federal government to provide loans for those that couldn't afford them, etc..." His simpleton language interpreter would say: "The financial crisis was caused by a bunch of stupid, greedy pigheads..." Although even that might be a bit too complex.
6) Entertainers at sporting events would be required to sing the Star Spangled Banner in 60 seconds or less. Period. Or we could just have freestyle rappers rap about why our country kicks butt. (See #1).
7) Professional soccer teams would be required to have at least three players on the field at all times that weighed at least 300 pounds. Ties would be decided by an arm wrestling match between the biggest players on each team. As we all know, soccer is the most discriminatory sport on the planet and this would help end the sport's shameless quest to ban any people with a bodyfat level above .000001% from participating in the sport at the professional level.
8) Everybody that says that we should get rid of ALL unions would be put in a time machine and sent back to the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory on March 25th, 1911 right around closing time.
9) People that treat pets like little humans would be sent to "reeducation camps". I love my dog as much as anybody but I don't put a damn sweater vest on him, I don't speak to him like a baby and hand feed him, and I realize that all things being equal his perfect day would involve laying on the couch and licking himself in hygienically inappropriate places for six straight hours. Dogs are great but they aren't little humans. They want their space, they want their tummy scratched, and they want to smell people's crotches. Period.
10) Yoga would be banned and Starbucks would have to start calling Venti Lattes, "Large Overpriced Cups of Pseudo-Coffee for People that Either Drive Priuses or Wished they Drove Them."
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